sometime i just dont understand.
or izit i just REFUSE to.
dah ader mataer but still nk friends with the rest, of coz laa can kn.
but lau nk jmp2 dgn sumone yg 1st of all knl mmng intention laen, den mcm, huhh?
lau ko da lamer knl mmng slalu jmp, mcm sec sch frens ke aper, members lu gua, ko aku, tkpe gak.
nie knl dr alamak/fster/facebook/tagged/etc da nmpk sah 1st intention nk menggatal wat, nk knl2, lau leh more then just friends.
tsk.

org kate, kalau kite diam, tk ungkit, buat bodo, lama2 kite will just forget bout it.
tp, lagi diam, lagi simpan, lagilaaah tk bole tahan.
lagi nmpk mcm2, lagi rase mcm2, lagilaaaa saket nie hati.

mmng nk stay cool. buat bodo. buat tk kesa gitu coz pade dasarnyer its not affectin anythin.
BUT I CANT!!!
i want to appear n show that i CAN, but its killing me, equals to i CANT.
daymnnn.

this thing da jd 3 days in a row. nk ckp aku jek yg fike bukan2, tp, tkkn laa smpi 3 days in a row sei??
1. tk pandang nk senyom pon.
2. tk toleh langsong.
3. si dier jln another way. (this one, idk whether mmng dier tkde niat pon or aku jek fike bkn2)

...

si dier ckp nk berubah. tk kn buat bende2 mcm tu lagi. tp, lps dier critekn, lagi laa mcm2 aku fike.
btol ker dier bole beruba? betol ker tk kn buat? btol ker kwn2 jek?
n paleng GRR skali, lau dier ckp or crk kesalahan aku just to tutop pantat dier.
lau nie part jd lagi, amek ko!!!

...

aku tk tau. mmng nk percaye tp susa. nk act percaye pon tkleh sei.
penat tau ditipu.
maybe mmng betol urh, dier tk bohong now. but nnti2?
haizzzzzzzz.

...

n ohh, dalamer gilerr ehh tk tules kat sini.
e plc yg aku punye spelling n language ekot suke hati aku.
haha.

new life, new someone, but u-turn, e same old story -_________-''

insyallah tk.
amin.

hiatus for quite sometime.
was forced to delete this lj.
y? coz he dont want pple to read bad and fact stuffs about him.
hAhh!!!

now im back again.
but will have to always activate n deactivate this lj.
what to do, cant bloody change the url.

im more sensitive now = he's will be an irritant n an annoying one to me all the time (even for a tiny miny little mistake)
not controlled by his remote control no more!!!

wajajajjajajajajjajajajajaaaa!!!

OMG!!!
BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI! BENCI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KNNBTCBI!!!

pagi2 dah gado!!!
irritating nk mampos.
ckp aku ego, sndr pon ego tk ckp!!!
aku aku salah siket, ego dier tkder, tk gado laa pantat!
!#@$#@%$^#$^)(*&^%$@#$%^&*(*&^^%!%^%^)_)(%$%^#&^_!!!

nk org fhm diri dier jek, tp tk nk fike psl org laen.
selfish motherfucker!!!

yesterdays yesterday night, wednesday, we fought again.
haha.
something soo USUAL that theres nothing to be surprised off anymore.
huhu.
is was a big one.
ehk, make no diff actually, its ALWAYS a big one every time.

the start of if was when he asked me "u going to sch tomorrow?" for the 3rd? 4th? 5th? time when i already asked him to fucking stop to ask that question as ive ALREADY answered it YES YES YES!!! but he still ask. i didnt answer n just replied "ive answered it just now". he got angrier. like when was the last time he didnt? haha. so yea. he ask n ask n ask for AN HOUR~ wuhuuu~

blablabla. i gave in. answered his question. but he still ask again as "i dont like ur tone" hAhh!!!

blablabla.

before putting down. asked him for a favour. "can i have a 1 day off tomorrow"
i bloody seriously need it seiii!!!
guess wat "no! i wont allow u to have any day off! jgn nak merepek day off day off nie semue!"
blablabla.
put down.
msged him "i need to"
talked on e phone AGAIN.
he asked the reason.
i need a break, i want to miss u, i dont wanna fight, etc.
i even said "actually, i HATE U!!!"
feeling unsatisfied, he asked me again n again "r u sure u hate me?"
he said "if so, i will leave u. i cant be tgt with someone who hates me"
i said yes yes yes.
end up, i just said "its actually more to binget n irritated"
(really want to be single man!!! but cant make myself to lose someone right now. whatz more, sunday will be our 7th monthsary + 41 days)
so yea, i GAVE IN.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
yesterday, thursday. wanted to msg atie something like "im walking to sch. u done?" but sent it to him.
he replied "what??"
me:            "sry, sala anta"
him:           "nice.. call me now."

EURGGH!!!

he didnt believed that i wanted to msg atie. he thought it was for another guy. wth? tuptup. "i'll meet u after ur training"
SO BLOODY RANDOM SAKK!!!
feeling insecure izzit???!!

so yea. after training, he asked me to wait in sch. another UNUSUAL thing!!! can meet at the stn right?
HE WAS SOOO UNUSUAL YESTERDAY.
wanna be mr nice guy izzit? but sorry laa, its too UNUSUAL for me to accept it. so not u. acting izzit? blehh.

whole night, gave me suprise kisses, suprise hugs.
so not u man!!!
ohh yea. he asked if that msg was really for atie.
nmpk sah INSECURE.
FULLSTOP.

not in sch. eurggh. put down supppper late last night.
selfish.
i noe u 1 things 2 settle b4 putting down, but please laa, im schooling!
eurggh.

things went superrr looooong n draggggggy last nite.
i SERIOUSLY cant stand his ngade2 anymore!!!

(he just called btw, didnt gt strght 2 the point, which makes me qn n here we go agn~)

kk back.
his ngade2 is soooo going from bad to worst day by day.
ngade2 manje acceptable laa.
cute.
but this one aint cute anymore.
its irritating n gettin on ma nervessssss which can explode anytime!!!

ure a cute n adorable boy, cant hide that.
everytime i got angry, it will be cooled down by looking at ur cute pics.
but its temporary.
after that, the anger will burn up again.
we seriously cant talk on the phone n msn.
should stop it now or it will make everything worst.

i noe, to u its not about the phone or msn, its about me.
about me talking to u rudely.
u cant accept that, which make us gado.
tell me who can stand n be mute like a doll when kene cocok?
maybe there is laa sumone out there, but not me.

"jgn nk mcm paham bbual kurang ajar biler u dah buat sala"
he said that.

yea, i did the kesalahan, but its not sala to me, just to u.
tolong laa, jgn nk jealous (or whatever u describe it as if its not jealous) tk kene tempat!
overrr giler!

asl?
insecure per skrg?
takot kene batang hidong balek?
hAhh!!!

he's kindof weird these few dayz or shud i put it week(s)?
huhu...
not weird as in the suspicious kind, bt weird as he's a different one compared to those days.
kindof like the early days we gt to noe each other type of behavior.
nicer.
more loving.
more caring.
more manje-ing.
more contacting.
and not to forget,
more NGADE2-ing.

told him his 'ngade2' this few days were adding on and on aand the reason he gv 4 that was bcoz i didnt layan him?
yeayeaa...
part aku tk layan, pndi nk act mcm nie sumer.
yg dulu tu sumer ko luper?

tannkz arh aniwae for showing me all this care n concern.
we'll see if its just a temporary one.
i wont gv in just too soon.
but i WILL someday.

not that i want to take revenge.
but i really think u need to feel this way too.
if not, u wont realise ur mistake n continue with the crap seeing that im ok bout it.

hope everything will get ok soon.

dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno dunno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is he still acting???

we put down the phone early last night. but in the middle of my sleep, ard 250am, he called.
he said he couldnt sleep n has been thinking of me. yea yea..

i noe im changing now. no more very nice, malleable, tolerant girl. no more bending over backward like i use to be.(its not that im like that, but i just wanted to try something new 4 this new relationship.)
but still, im still nice, im not mean like u. remember what that bloody fucking thing u did to me???
 
i realised it was really a mistake for me to be a nice one right from the start. its not that i dun wanna be nice, BUT then he will expect me to be like that all the way. i will have to listen to whatever he says or suggest. if i dont, "u've changed", while the fact is that im like that but just that  i fucking did n big ugly mistake.

i wanna try to attain the je ne sais quoi coz i wanna be a girl who is comfortable in her OWN skin n cannot be made to feel bad about myself!!

so yea, he called n say "u've changed alot lately, can u change back like what u use to be?"
feeling insecure right now? scared that u can step over my head anymore? scared u cant control me here n there anymore?

i gave my reasons n explainations n u said i dont have the "one-ness" in me anymore like i use to have.
YEA RIGHT!!! one-ness so that u can control me. try using that word to something u want to have ur privacy on. hahh!!!

but yea, coz im a nice girl, i said ok for the sake of the relationship n also i that i dont want to make the situation that is already bad become worst.

he need to know that i dont want him desperately enough, need him desperately enough or let him get under my skin enough. AND i dont want anyone who dont want me and who just need me cos he got no choice n cant bare being single. hahh!!!

since i said yes. i will do it. but dont u force me to get everything done in just a snap.

ohh yaa, HOT FACT- actually my feelings has already been fading. nothing go to do with 3rd party(like urs). it fades everytime we fight. it fades when i got yelled at. easy said, everything is fading day by day. (im SO GLAD it didnt fade due to a 3rd party. i dont wanna be like u!!!)

whatever it is now, we've promised to ourselves last night. everything will change today. but still, earn it urself man. u wont get it from me as easy as abc from now on.

we'll see how it goes...

(facts from what i see about u now- uve changed, a better one, a more loving n caring one. tankz. hopefully ure sincere bout all that...)

i so dunno of which/what should i believe.

to just accept it the way its being shown to me?
or
to accept it just on the outside?

if i accept it just on the outside, just saying that i believe n trust that *****, my inner side will still feel the same way n will eventually get worst.
when it get worst, stupid stuffs from the fucking painful heart will start to shoot out from the mouth. then, u wont miss hearing "y do u always say the wrong things at the wrong time?" hahh!!! so when is it the right time? never i guess? cause whatever thats coming out from ma mouth is crap to u n WILL ALWAYS b a wrong thing.

things are getting better. i guess? (JUST from what i see)
but the truth?
i dont fucking know!!!
deceived again?
only god knows...

if ure doing this for the sake of JUST trying while ur heart is still on the other planet, u really dont have to. TAK PERLU K. dont force urself.
cant get the one from the other planet,
cant bare to have nothing,
thats y ure doing this izzit? (sorie if its not true, but things that happened b4 made me think this way)

soo nice now. but im so blank now.
like whatever back then. but i was soo dumb then.

feeling? gone case. crazy. on off. blablablaaa.
like Whatever with a big DOUBLE-U there.
do want u want haa.
like who to believe right now???
liarssssssssssssssssssssss.
all out there.
all with a mask.
n right here is the blindfolded me.
same colour is all that i can see.
which is right? which is wrong?
Whos lying? Whos not?
whos the angel? whos the devil?
whos the bastard?whos the bitch?
LIKE WHO SHOULD I BELIEVE RIGHT NOW???
blind=see nothing=spot nothing

HAHAHA

kenape salah dier tk nmpk2? salah aku yg siket2 SUMERRRR nmpk!!!
same case dier n atok...

ok today...
just goin with da flow...
tp dlm otak tk lupe beb...
huhu...
we'll c...

juz ma luck kene tipu hidop2.
dat dae, ader sei tefike tat i might help him 2 get the gerl. skali, now i gt 2 noe they r contactin each other. pompan dah tau sei his attch wif ME, buat msg him mcm msg mataer sakk!!! wtf.
i wanna c how long he will play this game with me.
he a gd actor haa, but too bad, his secrets leaked.
he's gd at words and will smartly turn around the table n buat aku rase bersala instead. thats his favourite!!!

we'll c how it goes. those who noe anyting, care 2 tell me pls.

its not only this. he did something else too. and its not this gerl only, theres other gerl or gerlSSS. only god noes.

now, aku teringatkn bout the gal b4 me. all the way member da bbual -ve psl dier. tup2, dier pon samer.
wonder hows her feelings are like when she got to know that im attch with him. now that i know the real story, i wonder if that will happen 2 me too. that is, he would find another gal n lie about his true feelings(who his heart actually belongs to) like what he did to us and then break her heart. 
if possible i will try to make him not get attch with any other gal. its not like what u tink. but i juz dont 1 another gerl to get hurt.
he will only get attch if he prove himself that he had gotten over x. that if dier berhati perot.

good noon...
not a gd sleep last nite. n really nid 2 do something with da eyes b4 going out l8r. da looks of it suckz man.
couldnt stop thinkin bout wat happen last night.
every like 1/2hr,mesti tesada, n tefike bout wat happen.
it wasnt raining outside but ma pillow n bolster got drench.
i thought i was strong enough 2 handle it n come up with that idea. but last nite shows that i can only be like that on da outside.

knowing the truth sucks. really eally sucks like hell...

biler dah mcm gini baru nk ingt tuhan balek. manusie, slalu gitu.
solat isyak td.
dlm toilet, aku dah tk bole control lagi. air mate dah mengalir dgn deras skali. i so hate the feeling. knape aku lembik? knape kene nanges? knape aku tk blh kawal? stiap kali mengalir, dade nie saket sngt, mcm kene cocok2. eurggg.
da siap pki telekong pon, maseh melele2 lg...
must be a test frm god..

skrg nie, as typing aku tk bole thn, seriously aku tk bole thn. dade saket giler.

things between us is not over yet. we did nt break. bt almost.
i think nie sumer sebab kesian.
kesian kn aku????????

ya allah, aku mohon sngt2 dr mu, tlg beri aku kekuatan utk hadapi ini semua. sesungguhnye, aku sngt lemah. lemah!!!